New Beginnings Without Pity

By Cate

Junior Year. Episode One. Return.

So, you’d think that, being the first episode of the fourth season of a show that is set in New Rawley, this episode would be about all our favorite characters returning to the town-where-nothing-happens. I mean, the title speaks for itself, people. But, no, did YA ever claim to be logical? It’s based almost entirely in good old New York.

So, here goes.

Actually, before we start.. did Estee and Harmony mention that they got so behind with writing that they skipped summer session and covered those long months fanfiction-wise with complicated, difficult-to-navigate Inboxes? Yes, the viewers finally got to share some of Jake’s hacking skills by reading everyone’s emails. However, we’re kindly informed that you don’t have to have read them because all the characters are going to summarize everything that happened in short speaches throughout this episode. Watch out.

We begin with Will driving, fiddling around with his radio stations. Ever the safe driver, Krudski. Anyway, he gives “the radio a funny look”. I can imagine this look. It’s that look he used to make when Jake and Ham did something oh-so-gay, remember? Good. The song is ‘Fernando’, but the nice Abba voices are ruined as we hear Will’s obligatory opening monologue. “Life can be so circular. No matter how far you think you’ve traveled in life, everything ends up essentially…the same.” Blah, blah, spirals, contracting, cycles (what is this, geometry? Oh no.. they did that episode in Spring Semester) blah blah. Will tells us that he always ends up where he started. Actually, he says it like ‘you will end up where you started’ but we all know Krudski’s musings on life are just a lot of talk about himself.

Oooo. New credits. There they all are.. Will, Scout, Bella, Ham, Jake, Finn. And, oh look.. Meagan, Johanna and Gwen too. Rock on. Talking of rock, the new theme song is ‘Waiting’ by Greenday. Gone are the days of Getaway People, Nick Drake and David Gray, folks. It always kinda pissed me off that Jill was never cast. Especially all these ‘suggested’ Jills like.. Majandra Delfino? Meredith Monroe? Jesus. Jill has brown/red hair, right? I mean, I’m not imagining that? Oh, whatever. We should all be over this by season 4.

Hamilton is pumping gas. My mind is already in the gutter. Not a great start, really, as surely this is the season when Jake and Hammie-boy finally do the deed. In case you missed the newsflash, Ham’s been working at the garage all summer. A ‘driver’ gives Ham a tip and Bella is impressed. They say ‘wow’ a lot in this show. Like “Wow.. Jake really is a girl” “Wow.. I got a tip at the gas station” “Scout is just so.. wow” Actually, maybe not that last one but.. you know what I mean. You know what else they do a lot in this show? Roll their eyes. Talking of which, Bella proceeds to roll hers, at Ham’s “endless sarcasm”. What she actually says is “a summer without your endless sarcasm would be incredibly unfulfilling” which technically.. is a sarcastic remark in itself. That girl’s such a hypocrite.

Next, Will turns up at the gas station. Will says ‘Hi guys’. Ham says ‘Hey’. Man, I’m bored. Where are all the fun characters? Where’s Jill? Or Ryder? Aw, damn.. they wrote him out didn’t they? Will and Ham talk a bit, during which Ham tells us that “Summer session really sucked this time around”. See, that’s why we didn’t get any actual episodes. June, July and August sucked. Ham leaves Bella and Will conveniently alone, so they can share some awkward moments. He looks at her, she looks at him, they both look away etc. Feeeeeeel the tension. Will is ‘cold’ with Bella, and she’s sad about this.

Ok, now we’re in New York. Manhattan Island, to be exact. In fact, we’re at Jill’s apartment. Jill and Scout are sitting in the den. Scout is sitting on the ‘love seat’. Ew. Since when was YA pornographic? Oh, ok.. that’s not what a love seat is, is it? Either I’m the only person whose never heard of one, or it’s an american thing. Either way, it’s not really all that important. Jill and Scout are watching Roswell. I think it’s the episode with the aliens, but I can’t be sure. Scout wants to know if Jill is going to be mad at him forever. Jill ignores him. I think that means yes, Scout. She says a few arsy things, and Scout nicely summarizes this storyline for non-Inbox-readers, saying “I know I was supposed to pick you up from school and bring you back last Friday. Hamilton put together that surprise party for Bella and asked me to stay until Sunday since he knew I’d be in town. I mean…could two days have made you this mad at me…for a week?” That is like the fakest line ever. Or maybe Jill had forgotten all about that surprise party Ham put on for Bella, because she can only remember stuff that happened in the last 12 hours. Something they didn’t clarify… Jill suffered amnesia this summer.

Scout says her name and ‘she looks at him like “what??”’ Scout apologizes for breaking his promise, so Jill explains what’s bothering her. See, she knows its stupid but “the fact that it was [Bella’s] party got to [her] and [she] hates that she let it.” Jill still has Bella issues. It’s Scouts brains and brawn that make girls go like this, you know. Scout tells Jill that he loves her and that even though he picked to spend time with Bella this weekend, he still picked Jill for life. He’s such a sweetie. His speech softens Jill a little and they kiss and make up.

Cut to: more people kissing. These people are relatively older though. It’s Finn and Johanna. Nothing happens in this scene expect those guys kissing and then Finn leaves for crew practice. I guess it’s just a little tit-bit for all those huge Finn/Johanna shippers out there.

The following is another pointless scene, where Hamilton nearly tells Will what an ass he is, but doesn’t because he finds it amusing that for once Estee and Harmony are portraying somebody else as the clueless one. Will and Ham then go to the last crew practice where Finn is talking philosophically about the last crew practice. They talk a bit about that scene in the pilot with the pondscum, and Ham insults the older teammates by saying that last years crew sucked. Ham so gets all the best lines. It’s really unfair on all the other characters. Will and Finn share some pervy moments disguised as deep thought about life going round in circles and then Finn lets them all go home. Oh, and Debi rocks their world.

Will decides to call Scout. We have one of those half/half screens and we soon discover that Will is going to visit them in New York. Scout wants to know if Bella is coming too, but Will doesn’t give a shit about Bella and wants to bring Gwen. Everybody hates Gwen, though, so Scout says no and tells Will to talk to Bella because she’s picked up on the Will-doesn’t-give-a-shit vibes, and she’s all hurt and stuff. They hang up, and Jill cooks Scout food.

Continuity on this show is such that Ham is also contemplating what he’s going to eat. No need for him to think about it because Gwen aka the ‘pizza fairy’ (ew) has arrived. Ham does some more summarizing-the-summer by telling us how he wanted to hang out with her all session, and she blew him off. Turns out that Gwen is now scared to have no friends, and is suddenly trying to win one over. Ham tells us he’s going to New York. He finally mentions the word ‘Jake’ so millions of Jahammers everywhere skip a heartbeat. Summarizing-Ham also says that Will and Gwen have been spending time together. They’ve been studying. Surely, this is love. Ham and Gwen eat pizza, dreaming of their prospective love interests.

Meagan and Johanna are also eating. Lordy, this is going to be a long episode. It’s uncomfortable because Johanna wants to ask Meag if it’s ok for Finn to be around. You’d think that having lived with this kid for ten years she would realise that she has the mental age of a thirty five year old and, of course, is going to be fine with them sleeping together. However, this is apparently not so, and Johanna chokes on her spaghetti because Meagan uses the word ‘sex’. She does feel a little unwanted, but her Mommy tells her she could “never get in the way of anything”. Enter Finn who gets spaghetti and reacts in a similar fashion when Meagan uses the ‘s’ word again.

Commercial break, and they advertise a British site for YA. Heh. Ham and Bella are working on Will’s jeep. Ham is confused by all the complicated mechanic stuff, so Will turns up and helps him out. Will invites Bella to NYC with him (he’s already asked Charlie). Before she can give an answer, the pizza fairy turns up which makes everything so much worse for everyone (except Ham, whose probably hungry). The penny finally drops and Ham realises that he could be going to New York too – “You guys…give me a ride…to New York.” He gets all excited because…

Well, guess why.

Just, take a little break and think about what Ham is talking about.

Could it be..

Could it be..

Jake?

There. I said her name.

Again.

Sometimes it gets a little much for Jahammers, I know. I’m sure a few people have ‘thud’ed right to the floor, but.. we’ll move on without those readers. Ham momentarily loses his brain cells (it’s what he/she/her/him/shimmer does to him, yo) and invites Gwen allong on their little road trip. Gwen leaves and Will tells Ham off. Will is such a jerk this episode. I mean, I thought he lurrrrved Gwen. Oh, hang on, he was hoping to use the car journey there as a chance to make everything ok with Bella. Ham makes puppy dog eyes that even Krudski can’t resist, so.. the three of them are on their way to the Big Apple.

We’re now on a plane, with Monica, Greg and.. a ‘girl’. Monica and Greg are discussing whether Jill and Scout are having sex, and Greg summarizes summer for us. It seems that the almost-perfect Daddy/daughter relationship between Greg and Jill has hit hard times. The ‘girl’ who is.. Jacqueline has some wise words for Greg on the subject, and then stares some more out of the window, counting the milliseconds until she can see Ham again.

Little does she realize, but Ham is actually on his way to New York as we speak. He’s with Bella and Will on their little ‘road trip’. Will turns the radio to the Fernando station from earlier – “You’re listening to WABB the all ABBA station with Fernando on the hour, every hour. That’s right, all ABBA, all the time.” Ever see that episode of Friends where Chandler has an overload and freaks out saying “Too… many… jokes…” Yeah, that’s how I feel like right now. Anyway, Ham falls asleep to the sound of Swedish voices, which gives Bella and Will chance for a little tete-a-tete. Will: “How much do I suck?” Bella: A lot. You suck.. a lot” The. Dialogue. On. This. Show. How much do I suck? You suck a lot. How much do I suck? You suck a lot. How much do I suck? Thankyou Estee and Harmony for some of the most quotable quotes ever. I am forever indebted to you.